


if only

by shiningtwice



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, saida
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:41:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26689093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiningtwice/pseuds/shiningtwice
Summary: Sana listed eight things to achieve together with Dahyun, hoping they can accomplish it all for the rest of their lives.
Relationships: Kim Dahyun/Minatozaki Sana
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	if only

**Author's Note:**

> entry for #saidangstGAkeso  
> listen to [Golden Love by Midnight Youth](https://open.spotify.com/track/3xEq1mjHoSaUXnW0dSLRPL?si=sA8yLXVMTEiIE9XoNFYqVA) while reading

“Have you ever thought about the future?”

Sana randomly asked Dahyun. It`s a lazy Thursday for them and they are currently at their balcony just talking about mundane things they want to talk to. An hour before midnight, Sana just thought about that question, imagining anything about what their future would look like, on how amazing it would be if they will still be with each other until the very end (of course, deep down they just know, they will).

“What do you mean?”

“The future, Dahyunie. _Our_ future.”

She giggles at the girl beside her and hold her hand, bring it closer to her cheeks as they hug the comfortable silence and watch the twinkling stars above them. Just a peaceful and serene feeling right there, just being in each other`s arms and feeling their warmth. _Everything is going to be alright._

“How do you imagine it to be?”

Dahyun asked it back and Sana already knows she will do it, so she just casually answered.

“Me? Honestly, I want to build a family with you, have kids, grow old together, just like all the clichés out there because for me, it`s sweet and nice to stay by your side until I can. How about you?”

“Hmm… as long as I`m with you, I`m okay, I`m beyond okay”

Sana pouted, tapped Dahyun`s arms lightly with her free hand because she memorized that line already, she already knows that the girl will answer like that exactly.

“Come on, give me something different. You always say that, but I don`t know which part is okay. Give me some scenarios or anything that comes to your mind, Dahyunie.”

Dahyun chuckled at her, kissed her temple, and intertwined their hands. _It feels so safe with you._

She took a deep breath. They feel the sudden seriousness of the atmosphere. _I trust you always._

“To be honest? If I were to be asked that question a million times, I will answer using that line a million times as well because it`s true. It`s similar to that question of _who should I choose to love for the rest of my life_ and I will immediately answer your name. Everything about you and everything with you is amazing and happy and nice and warm and for keeps. Everything, Sana. Every single thing.”

Being the emotional one, Sana sheds a tear while Dahyun answers her question. Sure, it was a simple one, just a random question that can definitely be answered in the most random times of the day or when Sana wanted an assurance for their relationship through words. _But with Dahyun?_ Sana thinks everything is possible, she thinks that for the girl and with the girl, she can do anything and she can be everything, they can do anything and they can be anything. Dahyun surely never fails to amaze her in every single day made by the Creator. She never fails to make her realize that they are capable to do anything as long as they have each other.

“I love you, Dahyun. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Sana. Until I can, I will love you every single day.”

It`s the _actions more than words_ for Sana. Dahyun didn`t fail and is not lacking when it comes to her love for Sana. She always shows it to the girl by showering her with care and appreciation, especially whenever she needs it. She never stops to make her feel special, to make her feel that she is significant, to make her feel that she is the most important person for her, because indeed, _she is_. She promised herself that she will give everything to make her happy, just to see that bright smile in her face, and never let her get hurt, never let her feel alone and unwanted. Dahyun promised herself right after she laid her eyes on Sana that she will take care of her, that she will treasure her, that she will treat her like the most precious and rare gem she got to have in her whole life, that she will love her in any ways she knows. _It`s so nice to commit to you._

Because Sana is everything to Dahyun and she is more than willing to do everything just for the girl. _I love you that much._

It is _that_ fact that always makes Sana`s heart flutters, and not just that, because whenever she`s around Dahyun, she feels safe all the time, she feels special all the time. And she promised to stay by Dahyun`s side, _forever and always._

“The moon is beautiful tonight, isn`t it?”

Dahyun smiled. It`s the smile that shows she`s very thankful for the girl`s existence, for that moment they met in this life, and how they ended up in that state. She will always be thankful. The moon is indeed beautiful, and so is Sana and her love for her.

* * *

Sana holds her pen near her lips, still thinking if she left any point behind after contemplating for almost an hour now. The girl beside her is already in dreamland, but she`s there, still wide awake because of their previous conversation that gave her an idea. Usually, when she thought of an _idea_ , she will stay awake to put it all into words, in her journal until she feels calm after writing all of it, and that night is one of those nights where Sana is struggling to organize her train of thoughts.

“What else is there to include?”

She looks at the paper in front of her with her messy handwriting. Though she thinks this is just a small thing for others and the _future_ is still far away, it still doesn`t change the fact that it can make Sana at ease if she will finish it. She just wants to secure a bright future for her and the girl she loves, she just wants the best for them and their future.

_To infinity and beyond with Dahyunie  
1\. Have a coffee date (it`s a must!)  
2\. Walk each other home hehe it`s sweet  
3\. Go grocery shopping <3  
4\. Cook any meal together (or she will cook, I will eat hehe sorry Dahyunie wuv u)  
5\. Write a love story that will turn into an animated movie ~~because I really want to do this one, long time ago hnnng~~  
6\. Imagine the future with just warm coffee and warm hugs ~~AAAAAAAAAAAA~~  
7\. Have children named Aki and Yuki imagine how CUTE this is  
8\. Come home to her ( **because she`s my home** ) _

Sana smiled at the thought, particularly the _last two items_ she listed in her journal. She is looking forward for all of that to happen and she is basically just cannot wait to spend the rest of her life with the girl she loves so much. She makes sure to discuss it with Dahyun the next morning.

* * *

“ _This_ is the reason why you stayed up late last night, Sana-chan?”

Dahyun almost spitted her morning coffee right after Sana handed her the personal journal she owns (that she comfortably shares with Dahyun when she feels like it). It`s 40 minutes before 8 and Dahyun cannot explain the feelings inside of her right away she saw that list. And no, she is not mad, nor angry, nor feeling any negative feeling, it`s just that… she feels like being attacked by that idea again, by that _I think I don`t deserve Sana because she`s perfect and everything a person wants, while I`m just me, a no one_. And Sana instantly knows that look, knows that expression already that`s why she took Dahyun`s mug and sat on her lap and give the girl her morning hug.

“Dahyunie, you are worth everything. I love you for who you are. You are enough. You`re the only person I want to be with for the rest of my life.”

“I always feel lucky to have you in my life, Sana”

“So, shall we do everything on the list?”

“Let`s go!”

Dahyun hold Sana`s hand, acting as if they will really leave and is off to somewhere.

“Promise me you will never let go of my hand, no matter what happens”

“I promise to hold your hand and never let it go, Minatozaki Sana.”

* * *

_**Item number one. Have a coffee date.** _

It really is a must for the both of them, especially to Sana, who is the much more coffee-lover between the two of them. Even though they have been in a 5-year relationship already, every coffee date is still different for them, especially those times when they feel tired and down and grumpy and exhausted and stressed or when they feel happy and excited and just feeling so good in general. Coffee is their go-to drink. It is one of the reasons why they clicked. It helps them with almost everything they do with life, and coffee dates surely is their favorite date of them all because there`s really no hassle when they agreed on going to one.

On most days, they go to their coffee dates when Sana is out of ideas and scenarios on her mind and Dahyun is always there to the rescue. She will offer her some rest first, thinking if it is what just the girl needs. If it is not, she will offer her the artworks she did for her and inspired by their relationship, but it is still not it. She will offer her cuddles next because she knows Sana will surely love it, but it doesn`t work. So, she will let her pick her coat and they will go to their favorite coffee shop.

And today is one of those days with Sana just pouting, her face looks like the heaven and earth fell into and Dahyun with her sketchbook, collection of pencils, pouch, and her hand ready to drag Sana out of their apartment.

“Cheer up, okay? It eventually happens, we both know it. For the meantime, let`s get you some coffee first.”

They decided to just walk going to their destination to feel the summer breeze and for Sana to unwind with her current state. It was a nice walk, if they were being honest. It`s been a while since they did that, particularly because it`s just 4 in the afternoon, and it`s not that hot.

When they arrived to their favorite place, the aroma of the coffee beans and the almost empty place welcomed them almost like a warm hug. They missed this. The barista recognized them right away and prepared their usual orders, added it with some type of cookies as requested by Dahyun, assuming Sana would like to taste something new. They went to their usual spot at the back of the place, close to the window.

“Are you feeling better?”

Sana just hummed, their orders served immediately and the older right away took a sip on her own latte and her mood changed right away. That was _that_ something missing in her system in her whole writing process.

“I saw that.”

Dahyun smiled at her as she also took a sip on her own macchiato and took out her own sketch book to continue her commissioned portrait (when in fact it is just for Sana, _again_. And it is really not connected to her own commissions).

The whole _healing session_ , as they call it, is usually like that: where they will work on their own artworks during their coffee dates and when they don`t feel like finishing it inside, they will proceed to just talking about the things they missed about the place, about the food and coffee it offers, about the kind baristas, about the ambiance that they want to feel from time to time, about the people passing by. And it sure is relaxing, doing what they love and having that person they love by their side while doing it. 

Coffee dates really is a must.

_**Item number two. Walk each other home.** _

Is that even possible when they both live in the same roof? Of course, it is. At most times during the fall season, Dahyun will fetch Sana from her work and the latter will volunteer to just walk because it is expensive to take public transportation and it is rush hour that means they do not have any assurance of having a secured seat. Besides, it`s already nighttime so it`s not that hot and a burden to walk.

Dahyun will wait for Sana in the company lobby as her work ends an hour earlier than her girlfriend`s, so she still has time to buy her some gummies or flowers because the girl surely loves receiving some after a stressful and tiring work from the office. Sana still acts surprised when she sees her girlfriend there with her favorite things (technically, Dahyun is her favorite, too, her _most favorite_ of them all) and will come running to hug her, not minding any officemates who talks about them being the cutest couple to exist in the entire population that they just laugh to.

They will hold hands exiting the building and will start admiring the city lights as the whole city keeps on being busy with people running and waiting at the bus station and there are also students just came out from different schools. They will intertwine it, securing each other, not wanting one to be carried away by the sea of people on the same and opposite way to them. Dahyun will let an assuring smile as she looks back at Sana, as they enter the most crowded portion of the city before reaching the end of the sidewalk that doesn`t have many people. It`s a relief that they have each other.

On most days, they will just choose to dine in to wherever restaurant they want to eat along the way as they do not have the energy to cook when they arrive home. They will take turns in paying the bill, or splitting it into two because they want to be fair (or it is just Sana, who keeps on insisting because she really just want to prove that paying the bill isn`t a role as a partner, but rather their role as girlfriends). Dahyun does not agree with that idea, so Sana will just ask her to buy some dessert on the way home so she will not act mad about it.

Their walks will just consist of teasing each other and talking about their day, about _how stressful_ it was in their respective offices. Dahyun will go on first, saying her juniors still doesn`t listen to her because of her _cute_ height that makes her look like the junior one and Sana will immediately act cute, bringing her face closer to her, saying they are right because she is _her baby_ and the younger will just laugh it off. Sana will tell how bratty her seniors are, giving all the works to her while they just gossip about the handsome interns and then it is cue for Dahyun to comfort her by squeezing her hand and reminding her that she always does a good job and she`s proud of her.

“It`s okay, I still have you.”

“I know. You also have me. You always have me, Sana.”

_**Item number three. Go grocery shopping.** _

Dahyun is in favor of that, to be honest. If Sana`s most favorite date is their coffee dates, for Dahyun, it`s their grocery dates. They schedule their grocery shopping every Sunday right after they attend the mass, so they will go to the store right away. Having that kind of date, they can really feel the responsibility as an adult by buying only those they need and not the unnecessary foods like chips and soft drinks that will earn Sana a pout because _I want some Cheetos, please, Dahyunie?_ And of course, she cannot resist that cute girl. What will happen next is that they end up still buying some junk foods because Dahyun just basically cannot resist her girlfriend`s cuteness and her girlfriend herself.

She likes it when they do the planning and writing down the supplies they lack of, checking the online store before going to the physical store if ever there is a sale for their desired items. She likes it when they will just arrive in time for the limited coupons the store is offering so they can save some money for dates. She likes it when they are just checking every alley the grocery has and checking all the items even if they do not have any plans on buying it. They think it is cute when they push the trolley and putting the foods they need, almost like a married couple.

Every time they go to the grocery, it feels like it`s a different method of knowing each other, some kind of bonding experience where they know the other side of them depending on the food or how they think about a certain product. They also sometimes try to buy something that is foreign to them that will end up being added in their regular grocery list.

“How about this one?”

Sana points out to a new condiment promoted by their local grocery and it has chips as a freebie. Dahyun analyzed the nutrition facts label, thinking if it is worth their extra money as they do not use much condiments because they have side dishes prepared already.

“How about some dairy products, instead?”

Dahyun knows that Sana will not argue anymore with that choice and it`s already a win-win situation for the both of them, so they went to the far alley and went to the refrigerated products and opened that one door they always want to check: cheese products.

“What do you want?”

“Cheese kimbap?”

She imitates and Sana just giggles at her, knowing very well that she meant mozzarella cheese and not the literal cheese kimbap because they always want to eat that with almost every snack they eat back at home.

“Let`s check out?”

Long lines are definitely okay for them because it gives them some time to think and recheck if they already bought all of the things from the list, and maybe take a look at the must buy items near the cashier stand even if it really is _not_ a _must_. By that time, Dahyun will sneak some of her favorite chocolate and Sana will not complain because her little happiness is still happiness. And they are happy with each other.

_**Item number four. Cook any meal together.** _

Sana admits that she is really not good in cooking, but she still wants to try it so _I can be a good wife to you in the future_ and Dahyun will just smile at her, thinking about her girlfriend trying to cook, even if she thinks their kitchen will almost burn because of her (and thinking that she can really be a good wife, without even trying).

“Are you really serious?”

“Why wouldn`t I be?”

“I`m just making sure, you know.”

“Just trust me in this one, Dahyunie”

“You do know that I always trust you, right? Sana-chan?”

Sana hummed at her and started putting the apron, tie up her hair in a bun, wash her hands, and prepare the ingredients for their desired meal of the day. It is a Saturday and they both do not have any work that gave them the time and opportunity to try and experience something else without leaving the comfort of their home.

“I`ll start”

She started chopping the ingredients first and fire up the stove so the pan will start to warm up and put an oil to it. She researched about the basic things she needs to do for cooking to show off to Dahyun because she wants to prove the girl that she will literally not burn their kitchen and she can be a good wife in the future.

_(“Is there a standard of being a good wife? Like knowing how to cook?”_

_Dahyun asks to a pouting Sana, giggling at her when she suggested that she should try cooking the next day._

_“No? But I really want to be that good wife to you.”)_

After preparing the ingredients, she put it in the pan and start cooking their anticipated meal of the day. If some ordinary people were being honest, it`s just a simple dish, though, just some chicken breast and mixed vegetables, but for Sana, it is something to brag about because _hey at least I tried cooking_. While Sana is at their main dish (it`s the main course for them, already), Dahyun tries to make some kimchi and mandu that will serve as their dessert. 

That kind of scenario in their kitchen just happens once in a blue moon, so they really treasured that one, took photos of each other, and cherished every moment containing throwing some extra ingredients and condiments while they both wait for the foods to get cooked. Sana mostly screams when they started running in their kitchen with flour at their hands and trying to put some on their faces, in defense when Dahyun finally catches her, she will just kiss the girl and tickle her.

Sana did not get their kitchen burnt and Dahyun is so proud of her for doing her best in trying to cook that day and assured her that she really did not have to do it just because she wants to be a good wife, but rather, made her understand that it is a basic skill in life and she is willing to teach her how to cook other dishes in the future.

They just really cannot stop imagining how cute it will be when they are just in the same place, particularly in the kitchen, not just to play, but also to cook for each other after a long, tiring day from work.

_**Item number five. Write a love story that will turn into an animated movie.** _

It has been a dream for them for almost 2 years already since Sana is a writer and Dahyun is an illustrator both by hobby because they both have office works as an official work. Ever since Sana had that idea of writing their own love story, she did not stop talking to Dahyun about the possibility of their own story to become an animated movie.

They both have much commissions to work on, but when it comes to each other`s favors for their artworks, they still give it a go. And that story became their personal project they want to launch in the future when they become a stable artist in their field.

“You`re like a dream come true”

It was the first phrase that came out of Dahyun`s mouth on their first date as girlfriends. That day was indeed magical, something worth remembering in their everyday lives.

Sana was a dream come true, and so is Dahyun. They help each other up with many things, continues to grow and shine in their own ways, in their own fields, and giving strength to each other to keep moving forward in what to do with their lives. They talk about their goals, may it be short or long, on how they will achieve it together, hand in hand, never looking back and just continue to strive while walking onwards.

Dahyun knows Sana really wants to write in her whole life, that she wants to put into words the ideas she has in mind, no matter what time it is of the day, or where they are exactly, if she wants to write, she will write. She knows that she gets inspired through unique, wonderful, little things around them and she can immediately write a story about it. She adores Sana when she talks about the characters she has in mind, the scenarios she wants to bring to life, and the things she wants to keep on doing for her to practice and do better as a writer.

Sama goes with Sana. She knows that Dahyun has those magical hands that whenever she thinks of a picture, she will illustrate it right away. She will ask for a paper and her pencil, sketch it, and will not stop until she can achieve that certain picture she is thinking of. She`s also determined to finish all of her work, not because she feels the pressure that her clients are giving her, but because she wants to deliver that kind of happiness once her customers received their commissioned art. Sana knows Dahyun is passionate in illustrating, whatever subject her clients want and whatever comes to her mind.

And when their hands and minds go together, like their bond and their love, they sure will produce their own book containing their own love story written by Sana and illustrated by Dahyun. Team work makes the dream work.

_**Item number six. Imagine the future with just warm coffee and warm hugs.**_

Imagine the scenario of the morning breeze, the smoke from the hot macchiato and latte in their hands, and the breathtaking view of the mountains in front of them, as they hug the person they love and also the person they got to spend the rest of their life with. Isn`t it nice to imagine that? For Sana and for Dahyun, absolutely.

The fact that they determine each other as their own home is already known since day one. They are each other`s shoulder to cry on, personal cheerleader, ears to listen to unending stories, hand to hold forever, and a warm hug they are not willing to let go of. They just want to be with each other for the rest of their lives, and it is that one thing they keep on wishing for until it happens: to stay and be with their own home.

“You feel like home. You, definitely, are _my home_ ”

* * *

Sana came home late today as she finished some advanced reports her manager asked her to do. She was busy to the point that she forgot to send a message to her girlfriend that she will be late and cannot show up at their planned dinner date. She feels sorry for the girl, but she just thinks that she needs to work hard for their future.

When she finally sends the last file on their manager`s email, she right away glammed herself up before exiting the company and going straight to their apartment as Dahyun stated that she prepared some home-cooked meals and some side dishes her Mom prepared for them. Sana smiled at that thought, however, still feeling something weird inside of her, something that tells her that she shouldn`t just work overtime that night.

She was about to enter their apartment, still gasping as she runs from the 1st to the 7th floor because the elevator was full, when she suddenly got a call from the emergency room, something that she doesn`t understand at all and the only words she heard was _Dahyun_ and _dying._

* * *

_**Item number seven. Have children named Aki and Yuki.  
Item number eight. Come home to her. **_

Sana stared at the almost crumpled paper in front of her that is also wet due to tears. She`s been thinking for the past hours on how she will achieve the remaining two items when the person she wants to do it with is gone.

Dahyun is gone. Dahyun is not there anymore. Dahyun left her already. 

How will Sana be able to accomplish her life mission that is to be with Dahyun until her last breath and grow old with her, when the latter was lying in front of her, no more life, not breathing anymore, so cold, doesn`t have the familiar warmth she always gives to her? How will she able to breathe knowing the only reason why she keeps on breathing and moving forward is now gone? Just, how can she survive if Dahyun is already not there by her side? How can she live if she cannot come home to her own anymore because it`s gone? _She`s gone._

Regrets immediately piled up in her system. If only she did not take her manager`s favors, if only her seniors were a little too kind, if only she ran a little too fast, if only she came home early, if only she asked for a work leave that day, if only she have read Dahyun`s message to her, if only she knew her girlfriend was on her way to pick her up on her work, then maybe Dahyun is still smiling at her, doesn`t get into a car accident while she`s crossing the street on time being the good citizen as she is, but that _bullshit drunk driver_ does not care about everything around him. If only.

Pain. So much pain. Too much pain. Sana cannot breathe, she cannot stand seeing the love of her life, lifeless because of her, she cannot accept the fact that everything happened so fast, that tomorrow, she cannot see her by her side anymore. Heck, they have been building their dreams and goals with each other for 5 years already and how come the Gods take her away from her all of a sudden when she just wants to live happily and peacefully with her? There is clearly nothing wrong with that and Sana cannot seem to understand why, of all people, this happened to her. She wants her to wake up, she wants her back, is that too much to ask for?

“You will always be my home, Dahyun. You will always be my home.”

She holds Dahyun`s hand close to her cheeks, her tears fall once more knowing the fact that the person in front of her will not open her eyes anymore to see the beauty of the world. Her tears fall harder when she felt something cold, the presence she is really familiar with, and a message from the wind that tells her, _“I love you Sana, you will forever be my home”._

Sana listed eight things to accomplish with Dahyun, looking forward for the last two items because it is the glimpse of the _forever_ they dreamed of, but in just one snap Dahyun was gone, _Sana`s home was gone_. 

**Author's Note:**

> more saida angst: [wishing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23939602) and [jaljayo](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21439171)  
> @letterstotwice for commissions  
> main twt: @shineliketwice


End file.
